it's officially been a year... and i think today's text message still held some bittersweet sentiments. i'm sorry that you had to feel like you lost a friend. but somehow, i just can't go back to how things used to be. i sometimes feel that you're trying very hard to be a friend (and sometimes you act as though you've given up, with good reason since i never reciprocate). but i'm sorry i can't reciprocate those acts of friendship. you belong to a part of life i've put behind me.
i don't think you'll ever know this but even now, i have a playlist on itunes dedicated just to you. they're full of the most emo songs that i used to listen to and be emo about. even though i don't feel the same way anymore, a part of me doesn't want to delete that playlist because it serves as a souvenir from a time of my life i'm unlikely to ever forget. like a battle scar of some sort to show that i've lived through all that unhappiness, bitterness, and resentment, and triumphed through all of them. i'm sorry we can't go back to the way things were before; and i'm sorry we can't be friends anymore. but there is one thing i'm not sorry about: and that's the fact that there's nothing left to save. i don't think i'll ever fully forgive you, but at least i can promise you this: i've moved on. that's the best gift i can offer you. it was the best gift i could offer myself too.
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
- Your Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars
but moving on from all that emo-ing, i'm finally 21 :) and even though life for me right now is pretty crazy and insane and busy, and amidst all that stress that's causing me insomnia, i know there are plenty of things i should be happy about. i guess i'll write more about this when i've actually given the whole deal about turning 21 more thought. plus i'm pretty sleep-deprived and exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. so i'll just end off here with hope that my 21st year will be just as meaningful as my 20th. I really did learn so much and my life really did change so much in the past year. May the year ahead of me be as amazing. More of the good, amazing, breath-taking moments, and less of the gloomy, depressing, down moments please :)
Sorry for spamming anyone's friends pages. Haha i have no idea who still reads this anyway.
i haven't actually met you yet, but i just want you to know that i'm absolutely sure that when i do, there will be so many things i'd like to say to you. i may not be the perfect girlfriend - i may be moody or mood swingy; i may need time alone sometimes; and i may not exactly be the life of the party. But please be patient with me. i love you for coming into my life. i love you for being part of my life. and i really do hope that when we meet, i'll be able to tell you that you are everything i dreamed you would be and more, and that you will feel the same way about me. i hope that you are currently searching for me as hard as i am searching for you. and i hope that somewhere out there, you are thinking about me too. although we haven't met yet, we will someday. and till then, be safe, take care of yourself, i love you. i'm looking forward to seeing you.
dear future me,
i know life can be hard sometimes. i know life can be confusing. i know sometimes you just want to give up totally on love and life, and just curl up into a ball and be invisible. as i am writing this, i am aware that you will be several frames ahead of me in life. and i just want you to know that i have full confidence that you will be a strong, happy individual. Be happy with what you are doing in life now. Be happy with the choices you make. It sounds strange coming from a blast from the past, but just know that I have been and will continue to pray for your (my) happiness. Things around me now may seem really difficult and tough right now, and school + committee work seems to be flooding and drowning me, but I'm sure that when you recall all these, you'll be able to look back and laugh about how trivial they all seem to you now. Till then, be happy and God bless! :)
i think my life's become too busy for me to update about my fandoms, so if any of you who added me because of fandom-related matters would like to remove me from your f-list, now would be a good time to do so. i will still be following bits of news through reading your journals and communities, but i guess that's all i can manage for now. it was really fun getting to know many of you through fandom communities and such, but i guess i won't be able to be contributing much from here onwards.
i don't really know what direction this journal will be heading from now on. but for starters, i think i'll be posting quite a bit of personal matters, writings, and occasionally pictures.
till next time, ciao.
i've been neglecting LJ for too long >< sorry everyone. the last few months have been pretty crazy but a new wave of change is about to come in my life, and i promise i'll try to come and check on how everyone's been doing and comment more regularly.
in the mean time, ganbare, everyone!
Hello hello (:
just a quick update... In the end I took up the offer to do medicine because that's been something I've really wanted to do ever since I worked at a hospital 2 years ago. It was a hard decision and definitely not easy having to leave everything I hold dear back at home and simply move to a new country... But yes, I'm currently in Australia, Adelaide, and settling into my apartment. My new campus (University of Adelaide Medicine faculty) is a 20-30 minute walk away from my apartment, and everyone's been really friendly so far. I'm kind of nervous, being an international student and all, but hopefully I'll open up to them and make new friends soon.
It's going to be tough living alone and being separated from everyone I'm close to, but I guess this is life. I'm just gonna have to learn to be stronger.
Lessons start this coming Monday, and I'm kind of looking forward to that.
I'm probably going to be really busy from now on, though, so will be going on semi-hiatus with regards to Johnnys stuff and probably only blog here about my life here and other things if I can think of them. So if anyone wants to remove me from the f-list, now is the time to do so.
Yup that's about it for now...
i don't even know what my parents want of me. I don't even know what i want of myself. My mom's side of the family were so excited they called all the way from canada to give me advice. But the more advice people give me, the more confused I'm becoming.
Okay maybe i should start from the beginning. Yesterday, I received 2 letters. One from NUS (my current university), telling me I'd gotten into the dean's list for last semester's results. My parents were really happy. (but then when you've got over-achieving elder siblings, they kind of expect you to do really well anyway so yea the excitement kind of died down after awhile.) But then to my surprise, i got another letter, this time from the University of Adelaide, saying they'd offered me a place in medicine, though their school term starts in March, which is technically 2 weeks from now. :/ pretty rushed. and that's when all the problems started coming in. frankly, ever since my stint at the hospital last year, i've really really wanted to do medicine. it was one of the most meaningful months of my life, and i really thought that if i could have the chance to, i would really want to do it. but then i ended up doing psychology instead. and after completing one semester, i'm already halfway through my second semester, and what can i say? i've grown attached to many of the things that involve my life right now.
i don't know what to do. should i stay or should i go? i semi-decided on turning down the offer yesterday, but then almost everyone started throwing me questions like "do you know what you're doing" and "are you sure". and now, wtf every member of my mum's side of the family has called to ask me what my decision is and to throw me advice at the same time. my sister also told me to "be true to my heart". but honestly, i don't want to be a financial burden to my parents. and i think i'm just being very confused right now. i don't know what the hell i'm expected to do.
i think i'm just being whiny and annoying, but i really need to let this out. i've been really stressed out and i really need a break. :/ sigh. why does my life throw me so many unexpected crossroads? i personally don't think this would be so stressful if not so many people were involved. but what am i to do?!