May 18th, 2010

flowers // そう、もうすぐ春だね

It started out as a feeling

 it's officially been a year... and i think today's text message still held some bittersweet sentiments.  i'm sorry that you had to feel like you lost a friend.  but somehow, i just can't go back to how things used to be.  i sometimes feel that you're trying very hard to be a friend (and sometimes you act as though you've given up, with good reason since i never reciprocate).  but i'm sorry i can't reciprocate those acts of friendship.  you belong to a part of life i've put behind me. 

i don't think you'll ever know this but even now, i have a playlist on itunes dedicated just to you. they're full of the most emo songs that i used to listen to and be emo about. even though i don't feel the same way anymore, a part of me doesn't want to delete that playlist because it serves as a souvenir from a time of my life i'm unlikely to ever forget. like a battle scar of some sort to show that i've lived through all that unhappiness, bitterness, and resentment, and triumphed through all of them. i'm sorry we can't go back to the way things were before; and i'm sorry we can't be friends anymore. but there is one thing i'm not sorry about: and that's the fact that there's nothing left to save. i don't think i'll ever fully forgive you, but at least i can promise you this: i've moved on. that's the best gift i can offer you. it was the best gift i could offer myself too.  

You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

- Your Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars

but moving on from all that emo-ing, i'm finally 21 :) and even though life for me right now is pretty crazy and insane and busy, and amidst all that stress that's causing me insomnia, i know there are plenty of things i should be happy about.  i guess i'll write more about this when i've actually given the whole deal about turning 21 more thought.  plus i'm pretty sleep-deprived and exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. so i'll just end off here with hope that my 21st year will be just as meaningful as my 20th.  I really did learn so much and my life really did change so much in the past year.  May the year ahead of me be as amazing.  More of the good, amazing, breath-taking moments, and less of the gloomy, depressing, down moments please :)

Sorry for spamming anyone's friends pages. Haha i have no idea who still reads this anyway.